DRILL
PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands, so it smacks you in the chest and flings
your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained,
heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE
WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Yeou ...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
SKIL
SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood
blisters.
BELT
SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING
GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub that you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE
SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future
use.
RADIAL
ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON
ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite
the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE
LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR
COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at the dealership,
and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug
nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE
CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.